Obligated to Perform

I did two shows that drew an appreciative audience and I came away feeling not too good about my performance. Then I did a show with three audience members, two homeless guys, people chatting at a table and I felt pretty good about my bit.

It's the corollary of performance anxiety i.e performance judgement. In the first two shows with an audience looking on, I felt obligated to perform and so I did my routine and then judged myself about everything that could have been, should have been, or simply how I screwed up.

Then in the last show with almost no one paying attention, I did whatever I felt like, got a few laughs, and walked away feeling, who gives a shit!

That in essence is the challenge of any performance art -- to be prepared and skilled and when the moment dawns don't give a shit about being up on stage, but to be in the moment. I know I should not say "shit" but it's so much more descriptive, so I don't give a shit about using it.